When Countries go to a Bar!

Geopolitics is confusing. International relations, wars, alliances it's all just such a mystery.

Thankfully I'm here to lift the fog and simplify all this so that you can understand the world a bit better.

Forget about the Security Council, NATO, ASEAN, OPEC and all. Let's imagine the world as a bar and all the countries as dudes hanging out at that bar, doing what dudes normally do - getting drunk and trying to pick up chicks. The first guy you see at this bar is America. He's the stud of the bar. Rich, well built, good looking, and can provide a green card, which is why every chick wants him. But he doesn't mind his own business. He keeps going to different sections of the bar, telling others what drinks to order, how to behave, and sometimes even hitting on their chicks! He normally gets away with it because of his money and muscles, but every now and then he gets a nasty kick in the crotch too!

Then there's England and France. Getting old, but still good looking and reasonably rich. America looked up to them as a kid and they've still got game. Sharply dressed, they can still seduce and fight, but need America to bail them out every now and again when things get too tough.

In one corner you have Brazil. He could have been America but is too chilled out. All he cares about is football and getting laid. He doesn't want to tell you what drink to order or how to eat your snack. He doesn't give a fuck and you can usually find him doing the samba with the hottest chicks in the bar, and impressing them with his neat tricks.

Japan is the rich old man who's happier to rent the charms of a woman rather than get into a relationship or a one night stand. He's getting weak and is shit scared of this guy he had bullied when they were younger. This guy is now all grown up and is thirsting for revenge, and is biding his time to give him a giant atomic wedgie!

The guy we are talking about is China. He was so traumatised by all the bullying as a kid, he hit the gym with a vengeance and took steroids. He's now this huge hulk with a chip on his shoulder. He goes around pushing tiny guys like the Philippines and Taiwan off their stools, claiming the stools are his. He's looking for sidekicks and found one in Pakistan, who's basically the asshole of the bar. He gets into fights for no reason, harasses the girls who just want to dance by themselves and is a general nuisance. He thinks China is his meal ticket and sticks to him like a leech. Rumour has it that on nights when China isn't able to take anyone home, Pakistan lets him have his way with him. He used to offer his ass to America as well, but America is now afraid of catching a venereal disease so mostly avoids it.

Then there's India! Half the times he doesn't come to the bar because it's against Indian values. When he does its funny to see his own internal conflict. He once took a glass of whiskey from the bar tender and promptly his left hand pushed the glass right out of his right hand. He started talking to a beautiful girl and his left hand pinched her bottom. He's a conflicted chap and needs to sort things out before he becomes a regular at the bar!

I really hope this helped and the next time you watch the BBC or CNN, please think of me and this simple lesson in geopolitics!

Don't Worry Syria, Bollywood Hai Na!

The war in Syria is one of those pivotal events that can forever change the course of history. And as is the case with any of these major events, there are many players involved, pursuing their selfish interests, trying to make things go their way. With all these pulls and pushes, it becomes impossible for common folks like us to follow the plot. Who's the good guy, who's the bad guy, what are they fighting over, and who'll get he girl in the end, these are questions we want answers to. But big media has its own agenda and keeps us in the dark. 

That's where Bollywood and I come in. Bollywood is a great explainer. The most complex of issues can be simplified by applying the Bollywood paradigm. So shall we now examine the Syria situation with our Bollywood lens? Cool, here goes...

Think of Syria as the hapless heroine. Too attractive for her own good. Uski apni jawani uss ki sabse badi dushman hai. She's so damn sexy, that the mere sight of her makes men overcome with lust. She goes around her village, wearing her tight choli and ghagra, singing and dancing with innocent lambs, attracting lust, unaware of the evil eyes upon her. She's had many suitors in the past, and is now ripe for marriage.

The ISIS is the lecherous, horny villain who wants her at any cost. He's a rapist and a murderer and is now doing whatever he can to make her his. He's been propped up by the local zamindaar to terrorise the common people into submission and obey his will. 

Saudi Arabia is that zamindar. 

Assad is the kabile ka sardar, also the heroine's father. He's no longer strong, but he knows that his daughter is in danger and that he may not be able to fight off unwelcome advances on her for too long.
America and NATO are the sarkari machinery. They mostly look the other way and actually want the Sardar to vacate the village. They'll even allow his daughter to be violated if it serves their purpose. 

Looks pretty grim, right? It is! But just when you thought all is lost in this dark story, in comes Russia! Like Dharmendra, or Mithun, or Amitabh coming in on their bikes and smashing the villains to smithereens. The Russians, riding their Sukhois, swinging fists, blazing guns, are here to rescue the heroine. 

They've made a grand entry and are beating up the villain and his henchmen, just when the heroine had been forcibly taken to the temple and the villain was making the priest read the mantras to solemnize the wedding. 

The sarkari afsars are looking around, twiddling their thumbs since their plans have been laid to waste by the dynamic hero. The zamindar also looks unhappy but can't really take on the hero coz he's strong and his chest hair is showing out of his mostly unbuttoned shirt, the symbol of Bollywood virility!

Where's India in all of this? We're the public, watching this movie in the theatre (or via an illegal download), chomping on popcorn, nachos, and watered down Coke. 
Quite an exciting story and let's see how it plays out and what the climax will be. How it ends will have an impact on us, the passive audience, so you better watch out! Picture abhi baaki hai mere dost!